Sunday, July 31, 2011

An out of control heart

Earlier this week, Wednesday to be exact, my heart start skipping beats insanely that morning. I used to have this issue and this particular moment, it was really bad. I freaked out, which only made it worse. Finally about 10 am, it calmed down and got back to normal...but it's been doing it off and on since then. Usually it's worse when I'm stressed. Bah.

I cheated twice this week, and I regretted it afterwords. Like...totally and completely regretted it. I think one cheat a week is ok...but the second was done so that we didn't have to fix supper and there just weren't great eating options....I could have fixed that by having a slow carb later, I suppose. This is a learning process.

I can't WAIT to get our food plan in so we can really get started. We've spent the week eating balanced meals, this week I'm going to work on lowering our portions a little bit. I'm having a problem eating breakfast. I used to only eat breakfast on the weekends, and it was always something very breakfasty. Now I'm trying to force down eggs and grapenuts. I got some Dollar General cheerios the other day and they were mega nasty. I put Splenda on them and they had SOME flavor. On the program, I'll be able to eat like a couple of little sausage links, eggs, and fruit...which I could do. My ears and sinuses have been all wonky for a long time so my taste buds are a little dull. It takes something really flavorful for me to be able to taste it.

Please pray that my heart stays normal. :)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I'm not going to beat around the bush here.

I'm hungry.

I had breakfast, and I'm hungry. Heck, I even had a snack. And. I'm. Hungry. I want my lunch, and I want it now. But lunch isn't for another hour and fifteen minutes at least.

Here's the thing...normally my food intake goes: lunch, supper, snack. I didn't really get hungry then. Now, though? I'm hungry. I guess I'll just assume it's my metabolism waking up and actually doing it's job.

You mean that there could be fat melting away right now? Awesome.

We're going to work out this afternoon. It will be the first time since some time last summer that I've worked out in a gym. Am I scared? A little. This shirt is shorter than my liking and I really don't want my belly hanging out.

P.S. - I got on the scale last night and almost walked out in to the traffic to play. Encouraging, right? That's ok...I didn't and I'm still here.

Are we really ever shocked by our weight? When I stepped on the scales, it was about 10% shock, 60% shame, and 30% extreme sadness. How does someone let this happen to themselves? Maybe one day I'll feel comfortable divulging my starting weight...but it ain't today, kid.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Big Girl...whatcha gone do?

I've been a big girl since the day I was born. Well, no...that's not true. I was 2 weeks premature and tiny...but at some point I became a big girl and stayed that way. Being the fat kid becomes who you are, and I think at some point I embraced it. It's kind of like constantly telling a kid they're bad...even if they aren't bad, they WILL take on that identity. And truth be told, all those times when I was growing up that I was called fat, I wasn't fat. But it's what people chose to see about me, so I embraced it. My whole life and personality are based around being the fat girl. Now present day...yeah, you could put me in that category.

A while back I posted a status on Facebook about how losing weight wasn't JUST losing weight, it's losing my identity. So many people couldn't understand what I was talking about and, for them, that is great. I hope nobody ever has to understand that. However, it's true. If my whole life and personality is based around being the fat girl...what is it going to be like to not be the fat girl anymore? All of the excuses that are made because of being fat are thrown out of the window and you are faced with a world that you never thought you'd be faced with.

I don't go to bars/clubs, large gatherings, concerts, movies, travel, theme parks all because of my weight. There is so much I have given up because I was ashamed of who I was...but it was ok because I could hide behind that. I could be the fat girl who doesn't do anything. So, when I reach the point that I'm not "fat" anymore, all of the sudden I have to face all of these things (as trivial as they may be). But it's not just the social many over weight people don't follow their dreams because of their weight, so many people don't try to find love because of their weight. And until you've been in the spot, you have NO idea.

So, first and foremost...if you want to read this blog, then I need you to let go of all prejudices and ideas you already have about fat people. I may be fat, but I'm still a person. I still have a beating heart and I still have emotions and wants and needs like all the skinny people. I need and deserve just as much respect as the hottest girl you can think of. You are welcome to leave encouraging words, but negativity will be deleted. I am my own negativity, so I don't need yours. :)

I do welcome you to join me on this journey as I find my way in to a healthy way of living and burst out of the cocoon that I've lived in for so long. I have wings, and I want to spread them.